I got upset over lost files today. I lost lots of photos and lots of data. I am a hoarder by nature, and you can't even imagine how horrendous it feels to lose stuff. If I could, I would keep them all.
I think my head had this idea that if I came running to the husband I would get empathy at least. But this head is stupid. I think it was the worst thing to do at that moment. Or any moment of need for that matter, because:
1. the husband is unable to empathize
2. the husband is in the middle of a koreanovela marathon (full house- aza aza fighting!)
3. the husband does not understand the value of my files
4. the husband does not know how to make me feel better when I lose stuff
What is it with me? Why did I think he would fix the bad feeling? Why? So then, after realizing how stupid I was, I cried. But I don't think I cried enough because I still have this stuffy chest and my throat is all tight and uncomfortable. And all this emotional crap is just blah.
Why do I want him to make me feel better? Why? It's the stupidest thing in the world to want someone to make you feel better. It's childish and sappy and really really stupid. And it never works because I want to be made to feel better a certain way. In all of my stubborn stupidity, I don't think I've met anyone who has been able to just erase my bad feelings.
So then I started thinking about all the nice and warm and happy things I've known and one thing stood out. I was sitting on my single bed in my first apartment. And this boy and I was watching tv. And then this boy fell asleep. While I think he was sleeping (I will never know for sure) he put his arms around my waist. (yes folks, once upon a time, I had a real waist that could be seen even when I sat down) I was surprised that it did not tickle because my middle is a picky middle and touch always turns to tickle. He was warm. And for that moment, all was right in my universe.
So now I go back to that moment when I used to be able to just sit next to the husband and feel like I was home. It feels so far away. I think we're falling through the cracks of time. I just want this husband to please be that one person to come home to. I just want him to be that friend I can't stop talking to. I just want him to be that one person that keeps the loneliness away. But he's always so far away. He's here but he's never here.
My friend celebrated her 4th wedding anniversary this year, and on her facebook page she wrote: Happy four years. 2010 marks the fourth year of our wedding too but I'm unable to write happy four years. I was unable to write anything at all. I think I had expectations and hopes and dreams. Four years later I am drowning in my own tears. What is wrong with me?
Powered by Qumana
Recent Comments