I think my greatest fear would be to wake up one day and realize that I am my mother. I think I was conditioned to care for her because she bore me and raised me. But I have always wanted to be someone not like her at all.
I think it is creeping up into my head. I imagine it would be like the dark side beckoning. I refuse to be Vader. But when I think about it, Vader seems better because his darkness is clear. I can see that Vader is what he is. Senator Palpatine however, is like an auto-immune disease. Pretending to be the antibody I need and yet heedlessly killing off my healthy cells. It sounds harsh, but my mother is just like Senator Palpatine.
All my friends think that I am such a lucky daughter. They all tell me that I should stop being bad and just be nice to my mother. They all think I did mean things just because I was being a stupid immature rebellious child. But while I was stupid, the decision to stand up to my own mother was not a childish one. I believe I am fighting for the right to receive fair treatment, the right to my own choices, and to receive the respect I deserved as a human being. All my friends think that my mother is a kind and caring person towards her children. God knows she could have done so much better. If she had been but a fraction as kind, I think my siblings and I could have had some sort of happy childhood. She is not entirely void of love. She does care, but her iron fist is physically demanding and her words cut through the heart in ways one must not even dare to imagine. I sound like I am exaggerating. But you will never know what it was like unless you suffered with us.
I think I understand why my father said he was unable to mend his relationship with her. I think I understand why my mother is unable to try to make their marriage right. But for the longest time I had been hoping that they would either make-up already or separate because the clash of the titans has driven us all to madness.
While my mother resembles Senator Palpatine, my father was far from perfect. But I will be honest. I like my father more than my mother because I can talk to my father without being judged. He is able to listen to the dumbest of things that I say without calling me stupid.
I will probably get more crap from writing about this. But I am trying to manage my anger and this is extra unsaid burden that I don't need right now. So I don't care. Anyone can say what they want to say. I know what it was like being my mother's child. And I believe she has broken me beyond belief. But because I care, I have been treating her well for the past months. It is with great effort that I do so because I really don't want to be like her when I get older. I am afraid. I don't think it's possible to be happy with a person like her. Maybe I don't understand who she is. But what she does are things that I pray I would never ever do.
So here we are, four siblings resembling damaged goods. A walking atomic bomb, a compulsive liar, a spineless panic man, and a wordless passive aggressive.
I wish I could blame my Senator Palpatine for all this anger. But I should have seen it coming. From the time I was seven I knew things. I should have been able to release the anger in a healthy way. But I didn't. Instead, I chose to write in my diaries. So now here I am, nearing thirty and not a day more mature than when I was seven years old writing in the notebook I begged to have with messy tear drops all over the pages.
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