I don't understand how it happened. But today I realized, I have no idea who my husband is.
I was trying to remember the guy I married. In the car today, I was supposed to be in pilates class but the husband was yelling at me so much, I couldn't stop crying. He said it was my fault. It probably was. He would not have turned into this stranger if I had not done anything wrong.
But I keep thinking about what I tried to do to keep things from falling apart. I do believe I have tried. And I honestly resent the sacrifices I've had to make to give him what he's asked for. They were painful things. And today I am sure I have not gotten over these things.
I regret trying to get pregnant immediately after the wedding. I truly believed I was ready, until I found out I was already pregnant. When I found out I was pregnant, I panicked and thereby realized that I was not ready. After realizing I was not ready, we lost the baby and for the longest time I was convinced it was my fault we lost her. At this moment I believe myself when I say I know it was not my fault we lost the baby. But it still feels unfair that I was pregnant with a baby that was never mine. I think that in some ways I still think it was his fault we got pregnant when I was not ready. I trusted him when he said he was convinced we were ready. I am sure he was. I wasn't sure I was, but because he said WE I believed him and let myself get pregnant. It is for this reason that no matter how many times he tells me we could try again, I refuse. I am not ready. I don't know when I will be ready. But I don't want to try and get pregnant again just to find out if I am ready. I prefer to wait until I am sure I want a baby before I try again. If he is unable to wait until then, that is my fault and no one else's.
I regret not writing as much about my problems with being in this marriage. I was trying to get away from the prying questions from the people in my life who read this blog. I was trying to protect the husband from friends who ask him about our marriage. So today this post changes that. Or tries to. If there is anything left to save at all.
I regret giving up scuba diving for architecture. I had to skip scuba in order to review for and take the architecture board exams and to work with my husband on his design and construction business for which he has no place for me. It is exhausting and depressing for me. He likes it. He enjoys it. I don't like the job he gives me. I don't believe in the husband's management system. I want to improve some things, but he refuses and everything ends up in arguments over chaos that I did not create to begin with. I tried to convince myself that passing my board exam was for my father, but it really was not. I tried to convince myself that passing the board exam was for my best friend, but it was really not for her. It was really because one night, while we were drifting off to sleep, my husband told me it would be so good for us if I took the architecture board exam and got a license. The bottom line is I have been doing all the architecture stuff for him and it does not make me happy. We always fight about the work. And I am just so tired. It's not that I am not grateful for my license to practice architecture. I am grateful. I believe I am privileged to be in this profession. But I would like to practice on my own terms. I would like to be the kind of architect I respect. Not some pushover with a license whom anyone can just order around to sign and seal things. I was happy to pass the exams. I'm just not happy with the kind of opportunity I am given, to participate in my husband's company. I believe my professional opinion should matter. And being in a company where people refuse to hear what I have to say as an architect or manager will never be good enough for anyone.
I regret asking my husband for help with my anger management problems. While it is true that I am way over my head in the temper department, I never should have asked him for help. First of all, he refuses to listen whenever I tell him I have a problem with exploding anger. And when I say exploding anger, I mean a volcano eruption that intends to wipe out everything in its damn path. I hate myself when I get so angry. The Lord God knows that I have always tried to suppress the anger long before it reaches the critical boiling point. But I almost always never succeed. I have tried countless times to tell the husband nicely to please not bother me because I am mad about something and I am trying to stay calm. But he always meets it with his own brand of anger. He thinks I will stop getting mad if he gets mad first. But it never works and I boil over completely. I am lucky to just be yelling. But some days, at the peak of anger I want to bang my head against the wall just to make it stop. Of course I have not cracked my skull just yet. But I am so scared that it is just a matter of time. I think the sad part is that he does not see that I am so afraid of my own anger. Each time I get mad at him for something he does, he equates it with something else. He does not see how much I struggle with myself. I know that the anger is not me. But it is inside me and many times it has taken over and I have felt like someone else altogether. I have been unable to process it when it comes. I feel helpless. I am starting to believe I am a psych case. Well maybe I am.
Today I was beginning to get mad when he got mad at me. He kept saying he was mad at me for saying something because I got mad at something he did. He kept telling me to shut up. He kept saying I should just shut up so we will never have any problems anymore. He kept saying I should forget about anything he does that makes me mad so that I won't get mad anymore. The whole time he was yelling and I don't even think he knew he had been yelling at me. I could not even look at him. The tears just fell. Thank God for the tears because it's harder when the tears don't come when all I want to do is cry. I asked him if he wanted to break up. He did not say no but he got mad and said I wanted to quit. But I am just so tired of explaining myself to someone who does not try to understand. I am tired of doing what works for him. I want to do things that work for Me. I have tried his methods of forgetting and shutting up and it has only brought me to sitting on top of this angry monster inside of me that threatens to take over my life. And I keep thinking, what will happen to me if this monster wins? I want to fix myself so that I can stop looking over my shoulder all the time. I could not believe that I was married to a man who did not care about how my anger was eating me up. He did not even say that he was going to help. All he said was that I should fix myself. Even when I was begging him to please please please help. And when he spoke he spoke about work things that needed to be done. The pain was terrible. How could I want to be with this person who refuses to help me? I hate him as much as I hate myself.
He told me he could not remember the last time I told him I love him. He said I tell him I hate him all the time. I could not remember the last time I told him I love him. I can't remember the last time I told him I hate him. That makes me the worst wife ever. But I can't remember the last time we made love either. All I know is that he has refused sex too many times so I have stopped asking and have resorted to just trying to forget about it. I haven't had a real kiss in months, and it is not that I have not tried to have a proper kiss. He always says he has a mouth sore and should not kiss. I think that this marriage was over a while back. I wish I was the kind of wife who cheated. Then maybe I could have taken a lover and used the love I got, from whoever that man could have been, to patch up the empty places of my relationship with my husband. But that would have been the saddest of all, wouldn't it?
I think he expects me to be the perfectly sane, stable person who will always be happy and perky everyday. Which brings me to, the first thought I have everyday when I wake up - "I want to be happy." But everyone knows it is not always a happy day. You want it to be happy, but it is not always so. You try to make it happy but the world is never yours.
I don't know him anymore. I can't think of a reason to stay married. But I wish I did not have to break up with him. I have this hope of making it work. But it is very small and shrinking every day.
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